Are Boundaries Always Healthy?

A friend recently relayed the story of her 20’s something daughter having done good work in therapy, as the daughter had told my friend (her mama) in a very clear manner what she would not stand for. Listening as I did, with another mutual friend, it was clear to us that the daughter thought she was exerting new important boundaries (maybe she was), but that it was more a matter of her selfishly throwing the grown up version of a tantrum (“Do this or I won’t play.”).

This caused me to reflect upon an odd experience of my own. A very dear friend in his 60’s, often self-aware to the hilt, finally met the woman of his dreams, but was unable to manage being married and still having the deep, close, decades-in-the-making friendships he held with female friends (to be honest, this part even boggled me; that a progressive, exceedingly aware, and bright person would demarcate along gender lines in friendships in this day and age–but that’s another article!). His (to me, strange) solution was to simply end all of these friendships. I respect the impulse and intent behind the boundary: to protect what’s precious. But it was interesting (& sad) to see clear indications that, in spite of years of deep, dedicated work on himself, it was an unhealthy overreach as he regressed to old familiar patterns he’d worked on for so long: egoic ideas that he’d been rescuing his female friends from his presumed wiser pedestal, imagining he was the only one with whom they shared such deep emotional connections, rejecting loved ones as I had seen him do before, justifying his own issues as “we” problems rather than his own (this illustrated classic projection–perceiving similar problems with a dozen friends makes it likely the problem is embedded in his patterns, not the shared responsibility he assigned in his goodbye emails). For him this was an apparently necessary boundary, and he believed it was about great progress and healing for him, but was it really progress, and coming from a place of wanting greater emotional health? Or is it a means of controlling, cutting out anything of nuance or complexity to try to become perfect and blameless (his particular default defense system) in a new, uncertain situation? The regressive behaviors might be a clue to an imperfect solution cobbled, at least in part, from defenses.

Perhaps in both of these examples, this is what is necessary for the person at the time. It’s more than okay to set parameters, to create safe containers for ourselves; it is essential to emotional, spiritual, and even physical health! But, at the same time…when is a boundary just a wall for not being able to face working things out more skillfully, often with (rather than at) others?

Boundaries are a huge issue these days, & vital, for good reason. It may be a matter of saying what needs to be said, being assertive, pulling back and protecting oneself. And with sensitivity to more subtle energies, collective energies, cosmic and planetary energies, boundaries become everything for the highly sensitive or psychic. Such boundaries can be one of the most important (& oft challenging) issues. But the human interactive level, as in the above examples, it’s often a good place to more readily see and work with boundaries to begin with (or alongside subtle energy boundary exercises and the like).

Maybe because so many are needing to develop the skill set, or have but need more strategies than usual in these permeable, overloaded times, the internet & media is rife with tips on how to set boundaries with people. However, I have never seen any articles address the next step of whether the boundary is an appropriate one, created from a non-reactionary place. How is it working, what is borne of a healthy expression, what is from ego or defensiveness, what is actually a wall and not a boundary? At times it’s necessary in growth to set boundaries that may be overkill at first. Usually, that is better, at least to start, than none or weak ones.

Ultimately and ideally though, boundaries should have some permeable flexibility, some responsiveness to real life (just as you wouldn’t want to set your vehicle to only go at one speed, disregarding environment). Yes, with many people or situations it is imperative to have more of a firm wall (for example, abuse is not to be tolerated!). But in more nuanced sitations, where is your boundary coming from? Often, especially when getting this skill down, it may be made, at least in part, from fear, projections, control issues, or your justifying things. AND, I will reiterate — this may be necessary! At least for now. The key is to be aware of this. And to decide if this is how you want it to be forever, or if you are using this sense of safety, protection, or control (which may give you more grounding and ease) to work towards more self-awareness and flexibility.

Another place where boundaries might be challenged is in our exposures to constant social media, email, and other media. A simple example from my own life is “the news.” I usually read the headlines from a daily newsletter I get, from a publication I trust. But I skim like crazy, passing over certain subjects that I feel will simply burden me and not help myself (nor anyone!) for me to absorb. At other times when I have high interest and feel curious, strong, and not emotional, I can sense that I want to delve into certain stories (& if appropriate, see where I can take action to help, or contribute). And sometimes I am clear “this news is not for me today.” When it’s a big, traumatic, maybe nationwide or worldwide story, my Guides often seem to have me wait several days before learning more…perhaps to not pick up all the collective anguish. (And, as many mention in such articles. I don’t generally “watch” all the images…I read my news…much less intrusive energetically & gives me more choice).

What boundaries are you working on, or have you successfully made?